Fuel.

You guys.

I felt like writing again this morning.

It’s weird.

But I’m just gonna go with it.

I mentioned some context surrounding where I am in my personal life in Episode One of the podcast, My Autism DISCO, and I’m going to reiterate and potentially expand slightly on it here because it feels important to do so before we go much further and before I share what I intended to share with this post.

First, I talked a bit about my goals for the podcast, which are really the same I’ve always had for blogging, mainly to entertain, inform, and connect. And that last one becomes ever more important at this particular moment in time, and not just for me personally (although also yes, very much so, see below).

Isolation and loneliness are on a serious rise, both in this country and worldwide. The situation wasn’t helped at all by the pandemic, of course, but this trend had been apparent long before Year One of the New Plague Years. And it’s a trend we should all be aware of and worried about, because we can’t survive and we definitely can’t thrive individually or as a species without each other. It just doesn’t work like that. Social connection is literally as important as diet, sleep, and exercise when it comes to our health, well-being, and longevity, and potentially even more so in some respects.

And this knowledge has been weighing on me pretty heavily recently as I’ve become more and more socially isolated over the past few years, a propensity that only became more so after my dad died last year and I fell into the deep throes of my Autism DISCO. But this is also something that discovering I’m Autistic has seriously helped to put into perspective, as struggling socially is literally a key diagnostic criteria. Because despite (at least on the surface) being extraordinarily gregarious and genuinely liking people, I’ve always struggled socially, my entire fucking life. And it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, which I now know is due to the astronomical toll unconsciously masking as heavily as I normally do takes. Turns out there’s a very good reason socializing has always left me feeling exhausted and completely done for and like I desperately need to hide.

Running the intricately imbedded algorithms required to seamlessly appear at all times to be someone and something I’m not uses up SERIOUS processing power, you guys.

Like, seriously–ALL THE PROCESSING POWER.

At a certain point, then, pulling back socially becomes a legitimate survival mechanism, because I absolutely do not have it in me to keep up appearances any longer. And partly this is due to the fact of my other-than existence becoming more apparent–and therefore harder to conceal–as I age. Because life isn’t turning out for me like it has for most people I know, nor has it in comparison to how everyone who knows me has always expected my life to turn out, namely successfully. My utter lack of true success in life is honestly mortifying and has been made even more so by the fact that, before discovering Autism’s influence, there didn’t appear to be any real discernible explanation for why I simply can’t seem to function the way most people do. Couple that with what I now know are my repetitive behaviors and restricted interests, as well as the fact that my priorities in life often just don’t align with most peoples’, and my personal barriers to meaningful and fulfilling connection with other humans on anything resembling a regular basis perhaps begin to make something akin to sense.

So the somewhat tragic truth is that I’m almost completely isolated now. I’m estranged from not only the vast, vast majority of my former friends and acquaintances, but also from my siblings and my mom, and at this point, from my husband of 15 years as well. And therein lies the truly necessary context: my marriage isn’t surviving this DISCO, you guys, and it fucking SUCKS, but is clearly the natural progression of things.

And no, I don’t expect to be discussing it really at all, either here or on the podcast, mostly because it’s not my style, but also because it’s not the point of what I’m choosing to do here. But it does give you an idea of where I currently am and what I’m currently facing in life, because I recently realized I’m inhabiting a longstanding cliche at this point…

I seem to be going through a godsdamn midlife crisis, you guys.

What the actual fuck?

Hence the renewed activity both here and on the podcast, because this is it for me. This is my literal make-or-break moment. And generally one would turn to their various support systems during a period of tremendous change and upheaval and new undertakings such as this, which makes the entire situation and this particular endeavor that much more challenging, because I don’t have a lot of support right now. I’m doing all of this off my own power, and while that power is admittedly considerable when I can effectively access and harness it, it’s fucking HARD not having the regular encouragement and feedback of people who know and love me.

Which is what made this week’s development so astronomically meaningful.

There are three women in my life who embody my tangible support system at this point (aside, of course, from my phenomenal mental healthcare team, but they do get paid, so, you know). They’re who I immediately needed to contact and see face-to-face if possible (I managed two out of the three) at the beginning of the year, when there was no longer a way to deny my Autism. They’re the people I can go actual years without contacting and still be secure in the knowledge that when I need them, they’ll be there.

The first is my cousin, the younger daughter of my dad’s older brother, who is six months older than I am and has been the Tweedledee to my Tweedledum from the time we were literal babies. In an extended family not in absolutely any way known for its closeness (which is truly shocking news, I’m sure…), my cousin and I remain insanely close to this day.

The second is my Best Friend from High School, and yes, I capitalize it because that’s her official title. It’s how I’ve always thought of and referred to her, just as she similarly–and somewhat hilariously–always refers to me to other people by my first and maiden last name together, still to this day. Having skipped 8th grade, I was only 13 when we met halfway through my freshman year and I would say she probably knows me better than anyone else.

And the third is who I call “my good friend,” again, as if it’s a title, because she’s the only one who inhabits that station in my life. We met close to 20 years ago, which doesn’t sound like it could possibly be right, but alas. We’re fucking old now. She’s the badass I wrote about in one of my experimental unmasking posts at the beginning of the year, the one who quickly transferred my newborn from her arms safely into the hospital bassinet in order to free up said arms for catching me as I collapsed unconscious from the severe postpartum hemorrhage she instantly recognized I was experiencing.

You know, because she’s a fucking BADASS.

She’s also insanely brilliant, similarly obsessed with words, and her brain can and regularly does run circles around mine.

So imagine my utter delight when she not only texted me Sunday night to tell me she had the first episode of my podcast downloaded and ready to listen to during her Monday morning commute, but then also sent me a shot of it up and running on her car’s dashboard screen the next day.

Seriously, you guys. Seeing the My Autism DISCO logo on her screen like that, like it’s an actual legitimate podcast, was SO FUCKING COOL.

And then you know what she did?

She proceeded to give me specific and meaningful feedback, including the fact that she thought I sounded professional as fuck, which is absolutely saying something coming from someone who listens to as much NPR as she does. She even likened my composure to longtime NPR host Terry Gross, while preemptively acknowledging the well-known-to-her fact that, despite her well-deserved legend status, I actually greatly dislike listening to Terry Gross speak, a general phenomenon I actually reference in that first episode. She also immediately encouraged me to make it a video podcast, because she couldn’t help but zone out while listening as she imagined all my accompanying gestures and facial expressions, a renowned facet of my communication style.

YOU GUYS.

I’m unable to accurately convey how much this seemingly run-of-the-mill support from someone I adore and admire so much has done for me this week. It’s amounted to the vital adjunct fuel I’m only now realizing I needed.

And that’s the overwhelming power of human connection.

Yes, I can accomplish a lot on my own, and most of the time, it’s how I operate best.

But I don’t have to go it alone.

None of us do.

Also, holy shit–have I managed to finally dislodge that stopper?

Fascinating…