Well, friends.
In typical ADHD fashion, I have been working on my next post for days now while simultaneously trying to overcome the growing sense that I seemed to, in fact, be writing at least two if not three entirely different posts all at once. Which, you know…
Welcome to my brain and all that.
But actually, more specifically, welcome to my brain on stimulant medication during the luteal phase of my cycle, when estrogen levels fall, taking my already low levels of available dopamine along for the ride. In this instance, in addition to the inadvertently all-in-one post, that looks like: constantly adjusting my pillows because I can’t for the life of me get comfortable no matter what I do (because fuck yes, I’m writing in bed); constantly changing my music because nothing is quite right for today (finally just settled for my trusty standby playlist that was technically made for running but ended up being fabulously multipurpose); getting (even more) lost in mini rabbit holes as I read countless research papers and reviews and articles in my search for good sources to share here because SCIENCE!
Oh, and the left side of my face both hurts and itches because I tripped over a log in the dark and caught myself with said face on the log next to it two nights ago. I essentially have the tree bark equivalent of road rash covering my cheek, plus a cluster of small but gnarly cuts over my eye that are sure to leave fantastic scars. Did you know kids and adults with ADHD are more accident-prone? It’s tragically just one of the many factors contributing to our lower life expectancy. At least my brother assured me it looks hella metal, and clearly that counts for a lot.
In short, it’s Distraction City over here.
You know, the ADHD ancestral homeland.
But in a Life 2.0 experiment with both goal-setting and consistency (two significant areas of deficit for most people with ADHD), I’ve set a goal of posting something every Monday and Friday–and even with my West Coast time buffer, the moment of truth is fast approaching. So in a bonus effort to address another of my epically ingrained yet wholly unproductive, unhealthy, and unfair modes of operating, I gave myself permission to eschew the sunk cost fallacy by saving that bit of topic ping-pong for later and writing whatever this ends up being instead. And while that may not sound like anything terribly groundbreaking to a lot of people, for someone like me, it’s actually a pretty big fucking deal…for reasons I started to write about and then deleted because that’s apparently not my jam tonight either.
So let’s try this, because this is actually what’s been swirling around the forefront of my brain the past few days as I’ve read yet more research into ADHD. And I’m going to do my best to just talk about it and not pause to search for and link 87,000 primary sources for further reading because JFC, self. It’s a blog post, not a fucking dissertation. And like, I don’t know, maybe you all aren’t even into reading research papers in your spare time like I am. I mean, I don’t understand how anyone could possibly live their life like that, but hey.
You do you, boo.
Haha, just kidding. It’s true. I am, in fact, the weird one. The odd one out. I get it. In fact, that’s exactly what I was going to talk about, so here we are.
In my first post back from the dead, I talked about how unsettling it was to look into the seemingly far-fetched possibility that I might have undiagnosed ADHD, only to find myself completely assaulted by the reality that so many other people apparently share all these weird quirks I’ve always had. Because I’ve always felt like a veritable freak around most people. I mean, again, I read research papers for fun, right? So even a completely benign and genuine question from someone about what I’ve been up to lately causes a certain level of mental panic because, you know, when you try to answer honestly by saying you’ve spent the past week consumed by a deep-dive into the research on systemic nickel allergy syndrome, it just gets…
Awkward.
So yes, finding out that you’re not alone in your apparently freakish ways is overwhelmingly comforting. And, I mean, people with ADHD often share some extremely specific and bizarrely mundane challenges, like having a difficult time maintaining personal hygiene, opening mail, putting groceries away, going to bed when we’re exhausted, or even figuring out what the hell we want to eat when we’re hungry. Those aren’t things you can really talk about with most people because, for most people, they’re all absurdly unchallenging and automatic daily tasks they do without a second thought.
But after my diagnosis, as I started to read even more about women’s personal experiences with ADHD and interact with them online, it started to become apparent that my personal experiences and life trajectory have been vastly different compared to a lot of other women with ADHD, even those diagnosed later in life like I was. And it took me quite a while to really piece together why: I don’t share the same primarily inattentive presentation most girls and women seem to share.
I have the combined presentation of ADHD, meaning I struggle with both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive symptoms, with a heavy emphasis on the impulsive part. Symptoms of both hyperactivity and impulsivity tend to naturally decline as children and adolescents with ADHD move into adulthood, and it makes a certain amount of sense when considering children’s natural energy levels and lack of self-control in general versus that of adults. But I still meet every single hyperactive and impulsive diagnostic criteria I met as a child, and they have all had a tremendously significant impact on my life trajectory.
However, after this latest round of research (that I have been insanely successful in not sharing during this discussion, in case you hadn’t noticed–an almost physically painful sacrifice I’m making in the name of actually posting this damn thing while it’s still technically Monday here because perfection is the enemy of done, amirite?), I’ve realized that perhaps the single most impactful consequence of having the combined presentation of ADHD is that it predisposed me to developing yet another highly comorbid disorder characterized by anger, irritability, and, as the name implies, massive issues with authority: oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
(And yes, I absolutely did just link a source in technically the exact same sentence in which I previously played the martyr for not linking sources. I’m ridiculous and contrary like that.)
And fucking develop it, I DID. I mean, I seem to literally have been born with it, as my very first act of life was stubbornly taking my sweet-ass time with that whole bit in the first place, seeing as I was born nearly an entire month after my due date.
My poor mother.
But friends, that is all I have in me tonight and this Monday posting goal is about to turn into a pumpkin. So y’all will have to tune in Friday for an obnoxiously sourced-to-the-hilt breakdown of some of the main differences between the primarily inattentive and combined presentations of ADHD.
It’ll be a gas. I promise.
Oh, and I’m about to hit “Publish” at 23:45, which is the most ADHD thing ever.
BOOYAH.
Ware the Words 